Chasing Pools

A week ago, I was sitting in my chair enjoying some music and not wanting any human interaction. Then suddenly, through my peripheral vision, I saw a friend of mine coming towards me. (In my defense, when you live in a barracks with 50 men, sometimes it’s hard to get some space to gather your thoughts.) I tried to act like I didn’t see him even though he pulled his chair really close to me. I guess he didn’t see my sign that read, “No human interactions please.” Then after him staring at me for a while, I gave up and asked him the reason for existing in my space. He had a question for me, a serious one. 

He asked, “What if the only reason I am a Christian in here is because I do not have access to the temptations of the free world? What if I am a Christian in here just to get by?”

A few months ago, I was struggling with the same question. Before being locked up, I was a hypocrite. And I was such a good hypocrite that even I did not know that I was one. I had successfully deceived myself (1 Cor 3:18). I was asking God to show me whether my heart was sincere towards Him or if I was still being deceived by myself. That is when God reminded me of a question He asked a man like me 2000 years ago, “Do you want to get well?”

 

In John 5, Jesus was by a pool near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem. There were a lot of disabled people by that pool. They believed that if they would get to that pool at a specific time, they would be healed of their disease or disability. Jesus saw a man there who had been an invalid for 38 years, and he simply asked him, “Do you want to get well?” The man replied that he had no one to put him in the pool, and the days when he tried to get in, others would pass him and get in the pool before him. Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” And just like that the man was healed.

I was just like the disabled person, a spiritually crippled man sitting in his own filth for so long. Jesus saw me lying there, learned about my condition, and then asked me, “Do you want to get well?” And when he asked, I pointed towards a muddy pool and showed Him my helplessness. He asked, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me get a better future.” He asked, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me out to get a lighter sentence.” He asked again, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me get out of prison.” Is it possible that my pool, my helplessness, captivity and freedom, all these things have nothing to do with me being well? There is a song we sing here called “Son of David” by Ghostship. It is probably our favorite song because we get to shout when we sing the chorus. There is a line in that song that says, “the blind won’t gain their sight by opening their eyes.” All my life, I thought that I could see the pool I needed right before me, but it took God to show me real healing.  

It never ceases to amaze me how good God has been throughout my entire life. How He has carried me. How He meets me in a prison cell. How He is running toward me while I am running toward Him. “The life I now live in the body, I live by Faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

I have often tried to show God the solutions to my problems. I have often tried to chase various pools to satisfy the deepest desires of my heart. And every time it has left me hurt and dry. But God has shown me this: that I will find my wellness in the precious words of Jesus Christ. He has told me, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”  Now, I will no longer be found sitting around a pool near the Sheep Gate.

 

“WHEN I WAS FREE, I WAS CHAINED,

BUT WHEN I BECAME CHAINED,

JESUS SET ME FREE!”

 

JESUS

I sit in my cell today feeling disheartened. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Like David, I am questioning my soul; ‘Why are you so discouraged?’ I ask myself, is it my past? Is it my future? Is it my present? I do not understand why I feel this way. I feel broken and lonely. What shall I do? Where shall I go? 

 

I met a guy here who was on fire for God the last time he was in prison. He said he read the Bible and did prayer circles all the time. But when he got out, the first thing he did was to throw away his Bible in the trash can. Even as the Bible hit the bottom, he said to himself, ‘I probably will be back.’  Sure enough, he did make it back!

 

In my past, when I tried to trek on the roads that I shouldn’t have been on, I learned that those roads led to nothingness. When I tried to run away from God, I was running away to emptiness. In John 6, Jesus feeds the five thousand and walks on the water. In the same chapter, He also gives his disciples a tough teaching about the cost of following Him. Because it was a hard to follow through the hard teaching, many deserted Him. Only the twelve remained. “‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ Jesus asked.  Peter answered, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.’”

 

In this exchange, I grasp the desperation that Peter had. In a way he was saying, ‘I have already tried all that the world has to offer. And I have learned that It all leads to Oblivion.’ In the same way, right now my soul is downcast and my past seems a little too close and my future seems faint. And in the midst of that, Jesus asks me ‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ In my despondency and my brokenness, all I can say is, ‘Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life.’

 

Through all this I have learnt that without Jesus, no matter where I am at, I am living to die. But with Jesus I am dying to live. In the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, no one satisfies my soul like my redeemer and my savior JESUS CHRIST does.

‘We have come to believe and to know that YOU are the HOLY ONE OF GOD.’

John 6:69

With Him

 

‘And Lo, I am with you always, ever unto the end of the world.’ Matthew 28:20

 

When I was a kid I used to think of God as a ruler who just commanded angels and humans to do stuff. I always pictured Him as someone sitting on the throne looking into the earth from afar. In my mind He was strong and rugged and all-powerful but never with me. 

 

Lately I have been reading apostle Paul’s letters. Paul’s writing tends to make you feel passionate, guilty, sympathetic, loved, righteous, unrighteous etc. One thing I have noticed recently was in the book of Colossians, in chapter 2:12-15, it talks about how Jesus paid our legal debt by nailing it to the cross. It says God raised us and made us alive. But during the whole process of us being raised and made alive, Jesus was not in a faraway place looking over our situation. He himself was with us. ‘Having been buried with Him’, ‘raised with Him’, ‘alive with Christ’. Nothing was done without Him and everything was done with him. He sits with us when we are being refined and not in a faraway place.

 

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver;” Malachi 3:3

 

Before my incarceration, I lived my life as though God was not watching me. Though it made me feel like I had the freedom to do anything, it also made me feel lonely. On one hand, I did not want God to see what I was doing because it was sinful and shameful, but on the other side all I wanted to know was if God sees me.

 

When I first got arrested, I thought life was all done and over with. I did not think my family would want to talk to me. I did not think anyone would want to be associated with me, more than anything, I did not think God would want me. I was a screw up even before I got arrested so I thought that God would surely not want me after this. But after 7 days in the jail, I heard God whispering two simple words through His Word: “Follow me”.

 

I have been incarcerated for more than 2 and half years here now and through the grace of God, I have been walking with Christ. During this time, God has shown me that he fully knows me and has given me a passion to fully know Him. I am hopeful that ‘what has happened to me will turn out for my own deliverance.” Behind all the broken pieces of my life there is a hidden blessing. Now when I look back at my life, I could see that there was Jesus.

 

In all my failures, since I was a kid, there was Jesus. In all the sunrise and sunsets, there was Jesus. In the moment when I was chained for the first time, there was Jesus. In all my court appearances, where my heart was filled with fear and shame, there was Jesus. In every tear that I shed by myself, there was Jesus. In all the forgiveness and the encouragement from friends, there was Jesus. In all the phone calls with my father, mother and sister, there was Jesus. In all the strength of my brother and in all the beauty of my nieces, there was Jesus. In the loss of my nephew, there was Jesus. In the kiss of my sister and in every moment when a piece of glass kept us apart, there was Jesus. Throughout my whole life, in the good and the bad, there was Jesus.

 

“The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

 

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing and the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I've been and where I'm going
Even when I didn't know it or couldn't see it
There was Jesus

-       Song by Dolly Parton and Zach Williams

 

May God help me to always live for Jesus who gave me my song in the night.

 

Darkest Days, Greatest Light

 

Today is April 4^th and it is Easter Sunday.  This past Friday was Good Friday.  But in prison every day feels the same. We are stuck in one place and have the same unchanged view. We wear the same colorless clothes and are always surrounded by the unending concrete walls. It feels like we are stuck in a perpetual Black Saturday.

 

When I was first arrested and went to jail, a few hours in the jail was enough for me to say, “Yup, I am not coming to this place again.” But shockingly, since my incarceration, I have seen countless men who keep coming back to jail after getting out.  I met this one guy who came back in jail and got out six times in only 11 months.  Let me tell you, they don’t come back because they love this place.  But still they keep coming back to a place they hate. It all just sounds like a hopeless Black Saturday.

 

I have heard the saying “Time heals” countless times, but I would gently like to disagree with that. If the saying was true then the percentage of recidivism would be low. There are people who have spent decades in prison but come back to this place after a month of freedom. I have met men who are in their fifties who have spent more time in prison than in the free world, and are still coming back to prison for the 8^th time.  Seems like time itself is incomplete in bringing healing.

 

For what I have experienced, time itself doesn’t eternally heal anybody. It can bring fleeting contentment but not long-term. The only way time can heal is if it is spent with Someone who is Himself the Healer. We cannot expect eternal restoration to come through time if it’s not spent with Jesus, both in prison and in the free world. 

If I was doing my time in prison without Jesus, then no matter how much of my life I spend here, I will still be lost. That’s where most of the prison population is right now. They have neither experience the death of Jesus on a Friday nor have the hope for a resurrected King on a Sunday. They are just stuck in a colorless and hopeless Saturday.

 

Instead, I know a Christian man here who says, ‘I am free, I am just waiting for them to release me.’ He has been in prison for 30 years. He became a Christian when an officer shared the Gospel with him and since then he has been spiritually free. I can tell you about how so many people have wasted their lives here, but I’d rather tell you about how Jesus uses our hopeless and defeated Saturdays to usher us into the Glorious and Victorious Sunday. 

 

Psalm 88 is one of the most dismal chapters in the Bible, and it is also one of my most cherished ones. In this chapter, the author is going through a challenging phase and is deserted. It’s a gloomy chapter with a despondent conclusion. But through the dark times, the author cries out to the Lord three times. The darkness does not drive us away from God, rather it makes us desperate for Him. 

 

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

2 Coronthians 7:10

 

Jesus uses our Saturdays “to show that this all-surpassing power is from God.” Only Jesus can turn our arrest into a rescue mission.

 

I wrote this on the day of my sentencing: “Thank you for reminding me of how Great of a God You are. Even in the day of dread and shame, you walked with me. While I confessed and asked for forgiveness for my sins out loud in the court, you set a table for me. How amazing are you that even in the day of my suffering, You brought Yourself Glory. You brought a smile instead of shame. I once was blind but now I see. Where You go, I’ll go and where You stay, I’ll stay.”

 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. 
To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1,3

 

 

 

 

White as Snow

It's Valentine’s Day and nobody here cares much about it. We are all acting tough and hardcore, but hurting from inside since we do not have our loved ones close by. Then suddenly someone yells excitedly, ‘It’s snowing! The snowflakes are huge!’ We all run to our cells and try to look at the snow through the little window that we are provided. It looks different than what it typically looks like. It looks New!

 

I’ve been incarcerated for couple of years now. Throughout this time, the view outside has always stayed unchanged – dull green and brown with razor wires (there might be other colors but I am color blind). When it rains it’s disheartening because I love rain, but I am unable to touch even a drop. Every now and then, I will see a few birds flying around and sometimes I envy them for the freedom they have.  But today was entirely different. It’s snowing, and the snow is sticking to the ground. The ground that used to be dull green, brown and dry is now white and untarnished. The cells that were dark and dingy are now beaming with a glow because of the light that is reflecting the snow and entering the cells through the small window. After looking at the scenery for an hour, I barely remember what it used to look like before. The snow has even made the razor wires look decent. I wonder if that is how Jesus looks at us.

 

Before I was incarcerated, I was living in a prison of my own making. It was made up of hypocrisy, hurts, lies, hate, immorality, double mindedness, etc.  Even though I appeared to be free, every bone in my body was chained. I had no purpose and all I wanted to do was hide.  My life looked like a dull green-brown, dry prison ground. But then during my hardest time, SOMEONE put me back together.

 

But by means of their suffering, he rescues those who suffer.
    For he gets their attention through adversity.

Job 36:15

 

God uses our own suffering to rescue us and gets our attention toward Him. When I arrived at the penitentiary, God used that physical distress to liberate me from my spiritual misery. And for sure, I can say that being spiritually free while physically captive is much better than being spiritually enslaved while physically free. My Lord and my redeemer Jesus, met me at my lowest point and unshackled me through His blood. He renewed my heart and gave me a purpose. He gave me a Freedom that can never be taken. He took my past and made it white as snow. So now when He looks at me, My Father sees me as blameless, untarnished because of the work of my Savior on the Cross.  He gave me a future that leads to Him. Jesus gave me Himself.  Now when I look at my scars, it no longer reminds me of my pain and sufferings but instead it reminds me of the love and sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

He made me White as Snow.

 

“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
    I will make them as white as wool.”

Isaiah 1:18

 

One Christmas Morning

It is not often that I cry but today was different. It was 12 am of Christmas day when we all came out of our cells to wish each other a Merry Christmas. Some people were asleep in their cells so my Mexican friend and I decided to go in their cells and woke them up with the song, 'Feliz Navidad'. After that the Hispanic group and I planned on staying up all night drinking coffee. While we were doing that in the cell, some guys joined us in the cell and said thay wanted to sing Christmas songs. We gave some of them coffee too and brought some hymnals and started singing Christmas songs.

 

I have been in worship bands and also been a worship leader in the free world where most of the songs we sang were in key and it sounded fairly good. This was not anything like that. This was a group of convicts packed in a small cell who were geeked up on coffee, who couldn't hit a single note right. We were all laughing, giggling and singing loudly the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. In That moment, God gently took my attention and showed me something. He showed me Heaven. He showed me a group of misfits, outcasts and sinners dressed all in white intent on giving God their best through their singing in a cold cell, sitting on a toiler and a sink. He showed me a group of people though we couldn’t hit a single note right, we all sang in one accord. He showed me the meaning of 'sorrowful yet Rejoicing.' In that moment, God showed me heaven. 

 

Then suddenly, God drew my attention to a question that shook my heart. "Who is pleading for them?"

 

In that cell, if one would’ve summed up the total amount of time due to the prison, it would’ve been over 100 years. You see, so many who are in prison are forgotten. They are forgotten by the world and even their own families. I know that because I get mail from my family and friends and they don’t. When I call home, they don’t. When I get ready for a video visit, they do not. 

"Who is pleading for them?"

 

There are many men here who have more than two decades left to do in prison. When I see them, I see the hurt in their eyes. When they are near me, I can feel the heaviness of their hearts. When they walk, I see them taking every step feeling defeated. We want to be known, not as criminals but just as people who have made some mistakes. We want to be called by our first names, not by a number. We long to be loved again. My friends here and I have made a mistake and now are paying for it. But these cells can get really cold and lonely. Every brick surrounds us with the guilt of our past sins and beats you bloody with it. Sometimes the end of the tunnel seems so far away. 

Who is pleading for us?

 

If you are reading this letter, I am not asking you to donate money to a prison association or any other thing, but I am asking you to go to the Throne-room of God that is covered in the blood of Jesus and plead with God on behalf of the prisoners as one pleads for a friend (Job 16:21). Plead not only for the physical freedom but also for the spirit of the Lord to stir the hearts of the people in the prisons for 'where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.' (2 Cor 3:17).

 

God showed me Heaven:

“The wolf will live with the lamb,

The leopard will lie down with the goat,

The calf and the Lion and the Yearling together;

And a Little Child will lead them.”

Isaiah 11:6