Thanksgiving

    Thanksgiving is one of the most celebrated holidays in America. Only in America is there a holiday dedicated solely to eating! After the initial big feast of Thanksgiving, there is always food that is left over. So the next couple of days are spent going back and forth to the kitchen eating the leftovers. After a few days, when just looking at the food makes our stomachs protest, we end up throwing away whatever is left. May I share a truth? God despises leftovers. I am not talking about leftover food but about our leftover time, leftover worship, and our leftover prayers. The Bible talks about this practice of bringing God our leftovers.

    Malachi 1 emphasizes the greatness and love of God. Then, despite how good He has been to the Israelites, they still brought Him their leftovers. They hadn't given God the respect, honor, glory, and worship He deserved. It was the priests' job to determine which animals were acceptable, but instead they were offering blind, lame and sick animals for the sacrifices and keeping the best for themselves. They thought no one would notice them. But God noticed them. And God still notices. 

    In the state prison system, all the important legal work is dependent on the governor of the state. The governor has the authority to pardon, grant clemency, and shorten our prison sentence. Let's imagine that one day I am asked to prepare a meal for the governor, being on my best behavior. I go to my cell and pick out the cheapest ingredients and put the least amount of effort in cooking the meal, all while keeping the best for myself. Then I present it in a very sloppy way, wearing shabby clothes. Would the governor be pleased? Wouldn't that be super foolish of me? Then why do we treat God that way? In Malachi 1:8 God says, "If you're not going to treat the governor like that, then why do you treat Me like that?"But the good news is that even when we bring God our leftovers, He gives us His best. I am so thankful that even when I am a mess, He washes me clean. I'm so thankful that even when I don't deserve anything, He gives me everything. Even when I am unfaithful, He remains faithful. 

    In Revelation 3:20, Jesus is walking down the street and sees a familiar house, so He goes to it and knocks and calls out. It is an invitation for dinner. He does the same today. He is still knocking at the doors of our hearts and waiting for us to open it and let Him in so He can eat with us. The question is: Are we going to bring Jesus our best for dinner, or are we going to bring Him our leftovers?

    It's a cloudy day and it's drizzling outside. If I lay just right on my rack I can see out through my little window in my cell. It looks beautiful even though I can't tell how it feels. Seems like the little silent rain is cleaning up the air so I can better see the trees far away. The fish are making ripples everywhere in the body of water that surrounds the prison. The grass looks greener and the fields look fresh. Suddenly there was this longing in my heart to be there. A longing to feel the air. To feel the rain on my skin. To walk barefoot on wet grass. My longing was getting stronger. But then I found myself talking audibly saying, "you betrayed me! You promised me everything, but instead you took it all away. You didn't keep a single promise. Instead, you made me pay more than I wanted to. I am never ever going back to serving you again." With those words and teary eyes, I concluded my conversation with this world.

    Since childhood, I wanted to be accepted by everyone. I wanted to be the life of the party. I wanted to be the guy who made everyone laugh. The reason I wanted to be that was because deep down I was scared, alone and insecure. So I went running and chasing after this world. I gave it everything: my faith, my love, my pride, and my life. But then I learned, by experience, that what the world had to offer was nothing but a vapor. It will never be able to satisfy my desires. This is when the words of Jesus spoke to me, "Come to Me, all who are weary... for I Am gentle... and you will find rest for your souls." These words were spoken by the God Who sees me hiding and still invites me. His gentle touch restores my hurting heart. Never have I ever heard kinder words spoken to a more undeserving of a man.  In Isaiah 66:1, God calls Heaven His throne and earth His footstool. Heaven is the place where God rests His weight and Glory. On earth He lightly rests His feet. I think we get it twisted sometimes. We think of earth as His throne and so we try to rest our complete weight on it. But this world is broken, and it can never support the weight of our desires and longings. When we chase the thrones of this world then, at best, all we get is a broken footstool. So this letter is for all who knowingly or unknowingly are chasing this world. STOP! Turn around. This world is the means and Jesus the end. Not the other way around. We are citizens of heaven and this world is just a rest stop. Proverbs 11:7 says, "hopes placed in mortals die with them, all the promise of their power comes to nothing." But Jesus says in John 16:33, "In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

    Do not settle for footstools when we are created to be royalty! 

A WINGED DISTRACTION

A few days ago, I went outside to the yard. They called it at 8 o'clock in the morning, so it was nice and bright. The yard consists of a pretty decent-sized grassy area to walk, jog, and on which to play soccer. It also has a basketball court and an area where you do pull ups and all sorts of tiresome stuff. My friend and I planned to do pull ups and to walk around. The whole yard is surrounded by two razor fences. Between the two razor fences there's some gravel to walk on (only for the guards). Beyond the second fence, water surrounds the whole prison, and beyond the water there are open fields. Well, when we were walking I saw this little bird on the gravel in-between the fences. The bird caught our attention because she seemed to be talking to us, so my friend and I started talking back to her. She was flapping her wings and doing some kind of dance. My friend was asking if he can sacrifice her as a sin offering, to which I said a big "NO!" She talked and danced for a long time. A little while later we decided to go back and do more pull ups. We got to the other side, and as we started doing pull ups someone came up to us wanting to know what we were looking at near the fence. I told him about the cute, little bird who didn't know what she was doing. I gave him her description, and he knew exactly what kind of bird she was (shows my lack of knowledge in ornithology [and I may have asked around what the study of birds is called just for this letter]). “A Killdeer”. "Did she spread her wings and walk?" he asked. I said, "Yes." "She has an egg somewhere near, then. She was just creating a distraction so that her egg could be safe. That's what they do." I said, "What? I thought she was just a little cuckoo in the head." "She got you, didn't she?" he replied. I turned to my friend and asked a question to which I already knew the answer to: "Did we just get tricked by a cute, little bird?" We sprinted to the other side, where the bird was. She was still there, dancing and talking, creating a distraction. So, we started looking for the egg and sure enough, there it was lying near the fence. It was so close that if we wanted we could have touched it, but we decided not to. A few minutes later we bid farewell to the courageous and caring mother and her baby and headed back for the barracks. 

That evening I called my sister and told her about the bird and her baby. After the call I went back to my cell. It was dark and lonely. So, I reached for the most familiar and restful thing I have: my Bible. I just opened it and stared at it for a minute. It was then when my LORD Jesus spoke to my heart. He said " Remember the bird? Remember how she got in harm’s way to protect her offspring? She learned that from her Creator. She learned it from ME. I did the same for you. When you were lying in your filth, helpless and defenseless, close to the fence, I spread my wings on the CROSS, taking all the condemnation coming your way on me so you can have life. Now live for ME." I blinked. I was humbled and joyful. For HIM to see me mended, HE was torn. And mended I was, because of HIM. 

"He forgave us all our sins, cancelling our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; HE has taken it away, nailing it to the CROSS." - Colossians 2:13-14.

 "He saw me to the bottom and loved me to the skies" ---- Tim Keller. 

 

 

Half-A-Decade

I recently completed five years of being incarcerated. Five years ago, because of my sins, my comfort was taken away from me. My freedom was taken away from me. My life was taken away from me. Five years ago, my sins were unveiled and my hypocrisy was revealed. Five years ago, I decided that I was done running away from Him and decided to run to Him. If someone would have told me that five years ago I would be in prison for the next 5 years, I would have fainted. When I had woken back up, I would have said, "nothing good can happen in those 5 years." Little did I know that my God had different plans. When He said in Genesis 50:20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present outcome”, He really meant it.

The last five years haven’t been exactly the most luxurious or the most comfortable years. It hasn’t been a shower of good news. It hasn’t been a season of all happiness and all smiles. But it has been a reminder of faithfulness. Not my faithfulness, because I have fallen short many times. It has been a reminder of His faithfulness. His faithfulness has been a strong tower for me (Prov 18:10). His faithfulness has stood strong no matter how devastating the storm. The last years have not been what I expected as they have been the most fulfilling years of my life. I have been stripped off of my pride but been given inexpressible peace. My worldly comforts have been taken away so that I can receive comfort from God to comfort others (2 Cor 1:4). I have been sorrowful, yet rejoicing (2 Cor 6:10). I have lost my freedom, but I have found rest in His perfect will. My old life has died, and Christ Himself has become my life (Col 3:4). In the last five years, what I have gained eternally outweighs what I lost in this world, because I gained Christ.

I used to listen to the song, "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts (Don’t judge me). In my mind the destination of that song was always a girl. That I would find the one, no matter what I went through and how broken I was. But a few years ago, I downloaded the same song, but this time by a Christian group named "Selah." I still remember the first time I listened to that song in prison. A realization became crystal clear to me, and I teared up. I realized that I was wrong this whole time. The destination of the song was never a girl or anything this world could offer. The destination was Jesus. In that instant I went looking for that old hole in my heart that has caused me so much pain and hurt, but I couldn’t find it anymore. Instead I found an overflow of grace, forgiveness and the love of my Lord. My emptiness was filled with Jesus, and I realized that I was no longer lost or blind. With my heart filled with sorrow and gratitude, I asked for forgiveness and gave thanks to Him. This whole time He waited patiently for me while I impatiently made a chaos out of my life. 

“But you just smile and take my hand. You’ve been there, you understand.” – Rascal Flatts
Isaiah 42:3 says, “A bruised reed He will not break and a smoldering wick he will not sniff out.” This is one of the promises that I have seen being fulfilled in my own life. I was a bruised reed, but Jesus healed me. I sought the world and found emptiness. 5 years ago, the Lover of My Soul sought me when I did not think I was worth searching for, and found me. Now my life is hidden with His (Col 3:3). 

In my finiteness I made a fool out of myself, but in His infinite love He is transforming this fool into His disciple. God is Able (Hebrews 7:25)

Misplaced Isaacs

While in prison, I have committed myself to taking care of my health. I pledged to work out regularly and eat healthy. I have been doing good on my promise. I have been doing so good that I even worked out on Christmas Day. I was probably doing a little too good, and God had some different plans.

A few days ago, I woke up with a little bit of fever and fatigue. I did not think much of it. The next day I woke up with one giant pimple on my face and a few bumps on my body. I still did not think much of it and kept doing what I normally do. The next day I woke up with more giant pimples and bumps all over my body begging to be scratched. I was down with chickenpox! I could not work out anymore and my hunger was gone. I went into a mild depression. Two of the things that I prioritized were out of my reach, and I felt like all the progress I made was gone.  In a way, I felt useless. Then God met me in Genesis chapter 21 and 22. 

In chapter 21, Abraham and Sarah just had Isaac, and needless to say, they were very happy. They had been waiting for Isaac for a long time now. He was the fulfillment of God’s promise to them. Then it says that when Isaac was weaned, Abraham held a great feast. But during that feast, Sarah saw Ishmael (Isaac’s stepbrother) mocking Isaac. So she asked Abraham to kick Ishmael and his mother Hager out. And Abraham did so. Did Sarah blow this whole thing out of proportion? Ishmael was probably just giving Isaac some little-brother treatment. Did Sarah elevate Isaac to a place where he did not belong?

In chapter 22, God asks Abraham to take his promised son whom he loves to be sacrificed as a burnt offering. So Abraham took Isaac for the journey. While they were on their way, Isaac asked Abraham where the lamb for the offering was. Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb.” After they reached the mountain, Abraham bound Isaac on the altar, and he was about to slay his own son when the Lord stopped him.  Instead, God provided a ram, caught in a nearby thicket by its horns, for the sacrifice. Why did God do all this? Did he want to test Abraham’s faith? Probably. Was it a picture of God’s own Son and His sacrifice? Yes. But what God taught me this time was this: maybe this happened so that Abraham would not put his Isaac in the place of his God. We have all had our Isaacs, something we have longed for, prayed for, waited for. We cherish our Isaacs that God has granted us, but unfortunately, very often we also misplace our Isaacs. We try to find identities in them. We try to find fulfillment in them. We try to find our value in them. We try to find our god in them. We put our Isaacs in the place of our God. Maybe God was showing Abraham that obeying Him was more important than the life of his beloved son. Maybe God was showing Abraham that Isaac is the gift, but He is the Giver. 

I have misplaced my Isaacs more often than I can remember. I am ashamed to confess that I have given higher priority to this world than to my obedience to God. I have tried to find my joy in the things of this world. It is funny because the very things that I thought would bring me joy only left me feeling more and more miserable. I have tried to find fulfillment in the blessings rather than the Provider. I have loved the gift more than the Giver. I have dug for myself broken cisterns that could hold no water, and in the process, I have forsaken the Living Water (Jeremiah 2:13).

But by the grace of God, I was bought with a price and redeemed. He gave me this righteousness and took my cross. He took my broken cistern and gave me an everlasting well. The life I now live is not my own anymore. The life I now live belongs to the Lamb who died for it. 

 

Sometimes we may have to walk up the mountain in Moria, with our Isaac as an offering, to meet the Lamb.

A story not mine

I sit in this prison cell writing my story, thinking about what I thought it would be and what it has become. Where I started and where I will be. What I thought would bring me happiness and fill my emptiness, and Who ended up giving me the loving peace. I sit in this prison cell writing a story. A story not mine at all. It is the story of the One who formed me, called me, redeemed me because He is mine and I am His.

I was born in a Christian family in India. I grew up going to church every Sunday with a few rupees in my pocket for the church offering. I knew all the church songs in more than one language, but I did not know the One for Whom I sang it. I simply did not have the desire to know Him. I just wanted to do my part, look good and get it over with. But that did not fill the emptiness or take away the pain in my heart. The school I went to had a few thousand students in it, but I was the only student whose religious status said “Christian.” Though I was the only Christian, I was no different than the thousand other unbelievers. It is not very often that you will bump into a Christian in India, so a lot of my friends asked many questions about Christianity. I would always try to change the subject because I was ashamed of my religion. I was ashamed because it made me look different. It made me say “no” to trips to the temples. It made me refuse the food sacrificed to idols. It made me look different to them. I was tired of being different.

I kept on living my life wearing the “Christian” tag. I kept on singing songs on Sunday mornings, putting money in the offering plate, doing my part to look good and get it over with. But I still did not know who I was doing it for, and my heart was still hurting. During that time a missionary family started attending my church. My family became close friends with them (we ended up becoming related later). They had four sons and all of them were younger than me, but they all ended up way taller than me (I still cannot figure out the mathematics in that). One day, the dad and one of his sons invited me to a mission trip along with two other American guys to a village. I agreed and started packing for it like I was going on a vacation. I did not even think of taking a Bible with me, but my sister made sure I took one. We made the long and bumpy trip to the village. The church welcomed us and after that we went straight to bed. Next morning, I woke up and found all the guys in the next room silently reading their Bibles while sipping on some tea. So, to fit in, I grabbed my sister’s Bible and sat with them while sipping on some tea myself. But I was not reading a word. I was being what I did best: a hypocrite. Then one of the two guys that came with us comes to me and asks if I would like to read the book of Philippians with him. I said “sure.” It took me a long time to find that book, and when I found it, it wasn’t without help. “What verse?” I asked. “All of it!” he replied. I was not happy with the answer, but I still complied. I started reading, barely understanding much. Yet one verse caught my eye, and I could not get past it. So, I asked him what 1:21 meant, “to live is Christ, and to die is gain.” How could dying be any kind of gain? He said, “If we live for Christ, we will live with him. When our life is about Christ then death can only mean gain because we will be with Him.” I could not understand anything he said, but at the same time I knew that everything he just said was true. A seed was planted, and that seed made my heart beat faster.

There was an outdoor service the next evening. The missionary dad was going to preach on God’s grace. Little did I know that my life was about to change in the next 30 minutes. He started speaking, and my heart that had been hurting for a long time started listening for the first time. He talked about a courtroom. In that room, God the Father was a judge, and I was the criminal about to be condemned. I stood in front of that great Judge, not bringing anything to prove my innocence because I was not. I was about to be condemned for eternity, but then the great Judge asked me to step aside because Somebody was going to take my place. Then I see this man walking in. I have heard about him and what he could do. Will he do it for me too? He takes my place in the court along with the charges and my chains. He tells me that I am free and forgiven. “That’s God’s grace” the speaker said. At that moment it was as if I was a little plant, and his grace was a hurricane. He violently and lovingly shook me. Though I was surrounded by many people, at that moment I was alone with the Son of God. I said “yes” to Jesus who took my place. The only words that came to my mind were “To live is Christ and to die is gain.”

We were on our way back home, and I was excited. I had not told anyone what had happened, and I wanted to tell my family. But there was something different that I did not expect. I felt like my conscience had just woken up. I saw things differently. Now I clearly knew what sin was, and the things I wanted to do were wrong. I felt betrayed. I thought that accepting Jesus would free me. Then why did I feel more restricted now than ever? But one thing I didn’t stop doing was to read my Bible every day.  Every day when I read the Bible I would ask God to talk to me and clear things up a little. A few months later while reading, He showed me Romans 8:18 where it says that our present sufferings are nothing compared to the glory we will receive. That was His answer to me. He asked me not to run anymore. I assured him that I wouldn’t because “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

Nearly a year later I was accepted in a college in America and was about to head there. I was on fire for God and wanted tell everyone about Jesus. I was excited to attend college in America because I had heard that the US was a mostly Christian population. I did not have to be different anymore. Well let’s just say things were not what I expected. When I got to the college, it was nothing like I thought it would be. Life seemed easier and morality was scarce. I felt more different here than in India. I tried to hold on to the One holding onto me. But my old fear crept in. So, to make my life easier, I let go of Him. I went back to my old lifestyle where I wore the Christian tag, sang songs, doing my part to look good and get it over with. If sin was a pool, I dove right in. Now my life was easier my morality was scarce and my heart hurting worse than ever before.

I lived like that for a long time which resulted in an increased amount of conviction in my heart. That conviction was fueling my anger, and my anger was waiting to erupt. The eruption happened, and two days later I was arrested. I was in a holding cell in the jail for about 10 hours. The cell was cold, and I was in a state of shock. I was ashamed, scared and angry at myself for what I had done. At last I had been caught. I finally hit the bottom, and there was no way to cover this one up. The bottom felt cold, dark and hopeless. I did not think anyone would want anything to do with me anymore. I did not think my God and my family would want me. I had betrayed God so many times. It was at that moment when I fearfully and hesitantly whispered, saying, “I am done! Jesus, if you would still take me, I will follow you.” I was expecting a wave of extraordinary comfort but there was none. The truth is what I found was that the Lord just talked to my heart like a man talks to a man and said, “Your sins are forgiven. Follow me and sin no more.” I thought about the cross and how it never moved from its place. Though I was unfaithful, my God remained Faithful. I remembered the verse in Philippians 1:21, and now it was time to make it my own, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.”

It has been over four years since then, and I am still in prison. In these years my God has been faithful to me. He has been good and gracious. Physically, I am still in prison, but spiritually God set me free from my chains the day I started following Him in that cold holding cell.

Job 36:15 says, “He delivers the afflicted by their affliction and opens their ear by adversity.” God used my physical suffering to take me out of my spiritual suffering. For over four years I have been carrying my cross, and through His strength I never plan to put it down. It has not been easy, but the pain in my heart has been replaced by the peace that surpasses all understanding. My emptiness filled by His love. A lot of people would say that my life is being taken away, but it is not true. I have been given a new life, a life lived for the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal 2:20). “What happened to me has turned out for my own deliverance” (Phil 1:19).

God has helped me to love Him more than I ever did before. And I know that I will be free when God wants me to be free. While in my cell, I once said to my Lord, “May I gain my freedom when freedom is not the thing I want. May I gain my freedom when Jesus is the only one I desire.” 

Psalms 126 is a song that I am saving especially for the day when I walk out of prison:

“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of Joy.

Those who go out weeping carrying seeds to sow, will return with songs of Joy carrying sheaves with them.”

Remember Him

 

A few weeks ago, one of my friends went in front of the parole board. It was his third parole hearing this time around. He had already done three years’ worth of denials. He was very confident that they will let him go this time because he has not been in any trouble in the last three years. We were all cheering for him on the day right before the results came. Another two years’ worth of denial. I just stood beside him not saying much. But then I asked if he was doing okay. He said, ‘No, it feels like a death in the family. No matter how much you try you couldn’t save them.’

 

The same evening, I came to my cell with a heavy heart and a muddled mind. I opened my Bible to what I was supposed to read that night. It was Mark 15. The crucifixion of Jesus. In this chapter the decision has been made to crucify Jesus after He has been flogged. Then they made Him carry His own Cross to the place called Golgotha. And they crucified Him. But what caught my eye was that before they crucified Him they offered Him wine mixed with myrrh but He did not take it. He did not take the drink that would help him to dull the senses and could make it easy to endure the cross. He was offered a little less of the cross but He did not take it. Instead he drank the full cup of wrath and experienced all of the cross. 

 

‘They offered Him wine mixed with myrrh and he received it not.’

Mark 15:23

I found myself going back two thousand years to this place called Golgotha. My pain and the tears in my eyes blurred my vision so I could not see Jesus clearly. My vision cleared when the tears rolled away and I saw Jesus on the cross. Still, I thought to myself, He could not really understand all that I have been through. Then suddenly I see this cup underneath His cross. It is full of wine and myrrh and it sits rejected. And I keep staring at that rejected cup. It is like the answer to all my problems. I lift up my face toward Him and ask, ‘Why did you not take it?’ He answers, ’So that you will know that I went through everything you went through and so much more until it was finished.’ Then I asked, ‘what about the time when I was drenched in my own sin?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. ‘What about the time I felt lonely and forsaken?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. ‘What about the day I entered the razor wired walls?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. I ask, ‘What if I never come out of prison?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected.

‘They offered Him wine mixed with myrrh and he received it not.’

Mark 15:23.

I can often go throughout my day forgetting what Jesus did for me on the cross. That is why in Luke 22:19, The Lord commands us to remember Him because He knows that we are forgetful people. Though the bones of my Savior can never be found, I have found His heart. In this passing life, I have come to know His eternal love for me. In this momentary darkness of suffering, sorrow and pain, His cross over-shadows all and the cup still sits rejected. And now I sit in this prison cell drinking from the cup of his grace. Overflowing is the cup of His Grace.

 

“...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. Hebrews 12:1-3

Chasing Pools

A week ago, I was sitting in my chair enjoying some music and not wanting any human interaction. Then suddenly, through my peripheral vision, I saw a friend of mine coming towards me. (In my defense, when you live in a barracks with 50 men, sometimes it’s hard to get some space to gather your thoughts.) I tried to act like I didn’t see him even though he pulled his chair really close to me. I guess he didn’t see my sign that read, “No human interactions please.” Then after him staring at me for a while, I gave up and asked him the reason for existing in my space. He had a question for me, a serious one. 

He asked, “What if the only reason I am a Christian in here is because I do not have access to the temptations of the free world? What if I am a Christian in here just to get by?”

A few months ago, I was struggling with the same question. Before being locked up, I was a hypocrite. And I was such a good hypocrite that even I did not know that I was one. I had successfully deceived myself (1 Cor 3:18). I was asking God to show me whether my heart was sincere towards Him or if I was still being deceived by myself. That is when God reminded me of a question He asked a man like me 2000 years ago, “Do you want to get well?”

 

In John 5, Jesus was by a pool near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem. There were a lot of disabled people by that pool. They believed that if they would get to that pool at a specific time, they would be healed of their disease or disability. Jesus saw a man there who had been an invalid for 38 years, and he simply asked him, “Do you want to get well?” The man replied that he had no one to put him in the pool, and the days when he tried to get in, others would pass him and get in the pool before him. Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” And just like that the man was healed.

I was just like the disabled person, a spiritually crippled man sitting in his own filth for so long. Jesus saw me lying there, learned about my condition, and then asked me, “Do you want to get well?” And when he asked, I pointed towards a muddy pool and showed Him my helplessness. He asked, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me get a better future.” He asked, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me out to get a lighter sentence.” He asked again, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me get out of prison.” Is it possible that my pool, my helplessness, captivity and freedom, all these things have nothing to do with me being well? There is a song we sing here called “Son of David” by Ghostship. It is probably our favorite song because we get to shout when we sing the chorus. There is a line in that song that says, “the blind won’t gain their sight by opening their eyes.” All my life, I thought that I could see the pool I needed right before me, but it took God to show me real healing.  

It never ceases to amaze me how good God has been throughout my entire life. How He has carried me. How He meets me in a prison cell. How He is running toward me while I am running toward Him. “The life I now live in the body, I live by Faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

I have often tried to show God the solutions to my problems. I have often tried to chase various pools to satisfy the deepest desires of my heart. And every time it has left me hurt and dry. But God has shown me this: that I will find my wellness in the precious words of Jesus Christ. He has told me, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”  Now, I will no longer be found sitting around a pool near the Sheep Gate.

 

“WHEN I WAS FREE, I WAS CHAINED,

BUT WHEN I BECAME CHAINED,

JESUS SET ME FREE!”

 

Darkest Days, Greatest Light

 

Today is April 4^th and it is Easter Sunday.  This past Friday was Good Friday.  But in prison every day feels the same. We are stuck in one place and have the same unchanged view. We wear the same colorless clothes and are always surrounded by the unending concrete walls. It feels like we are stuck in a perpetual Black Saturday.

 

When I was first arrested and went to jail, a few hours in the jail was enough for me to say, “Yup, I am not coming to this place again.” But shockingly, since my incarceration, I have seen countless men who keep coming back to jail after getting out.  I met this one guy who came back in jail and got out six times in only 11 months.  Let me tell you, they don’t come back because they love this place.  But still they keep coming back to a place they hate. It all just sounds like a hopeless Black Saturday.

 

I have heard the saying “Time heals” countless times, but I would gently like to disagree with that. If the saying was true then the percentage of recidivism would be low. There are people who have spent decades in prison but come back to this place after a month of freedom. I have met men who are in their fifties who have spent more time in prison than in the free world, and are still coming back to prison for the 8^th time.  Seems like time itself is incomplete in bringing healing.

 

For what I have experienced, time itself doesn’t eternally heal anybody. It can bring fleeting contentment but not long-term. The only way time can heal is if it is spent with Someone who is Himself the Healer. We cannot expect eternal restoration to come through time if it’s not spent with Jesus, both in prison and in the free world. 

If I was doing my time in prison without Jesus, then no matter how much of my life I spend here, I will still be lost. That’s where most of the prison population is right now. They have neither experience the death of Jesus on a Friday nor have the hope for a resurrected King on a Sunday. They are just stuck in a colorless and hopeless Saturday.

 

Instead, I know a Christian man here who says, ‘I am free, I am just waiting for them to release me.’ He has been in prison for 30 years. He became a Christian when an officer shared the Gospel with him and since then he has been spiritually free. I can tell you about how so many people have wasted their lives here, but I’d rather tell you about how Jesus uses our hopeless and defeated Saturdays to usher us into the Glorious and Victorious Sunday. 

 

Psalm 88 is one of the most dismal chapters in the Bible, and it is also one of my most cherished ones. In this chapter, the author is going through a challenging phase and is deserted. It’s a gloomy chapter with a despondent conclusion. But through the dark times, the author cries out to the Lord three times. The darkness does not drive us away from God, rather it makes us desperate for Him. 

 

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

2 Coronthians 7:10

 

Jesus uses our Saturdays “to show that this all-surpassing power is from God.” Only Jesus can turn our arrest into a rescue mission.

 

I wrote this on the day of my sentencing: “Thank you for reminding me of how Great of a God You are. Even in the day of dread and shame, you walked with me. While I confessed and asked for forgiveness for my sins out loud in the court, you set a table for me. How amazing are you that even in the day of my suffering, You brought Yourself Glory. You brought a smile instead of shame. I once was blind but now I see. Where You go, I’ll go and where You stay, I’ll stay.”

 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. 
To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1,3