Half-A-Decade

I recently completed five years of being incarcerated. Five years ago, because of my sins, my comfort was taken away from me. My freedom was taken away from me. My life was taken away from me. Five years ago, my sins were unveiled and my hypocrisy was revealed. Five years ago, I decided that I was done running away from Him and decided to run to Him. If someone would have told me that five years ago I would be in prison for the next 5 years, I would have fainted. When I had woken back up, I would have said, "nothing good can happen in those 5 years." Little did I know that my God had different plans. When He said in Genesis 50:20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present outcome”, He really meant it.

The last five years haven’t been exactly the most luxurious or the most comfortable years. It hasn’t been a shower of good news. It hasn’t been a season of all happiness and all smiles. But it has been a reminder of faithfulness. Not my faithfulness, because I have fallen short many times. It has been a reminder of His faithfulness. His faithfulness has been a strong tower for me (Prov 18:10). His faithfulness has stood strong no matter how devastating the storm. The last years have not been what I expected as they have been the most fulfilling years of my life. I have been stripped off of my pride but been given inexpressible peace. My worldly comforts have been taken away so that I can receive comfort from God to comfort others (2 Cor 1:4). I have been sorrowful, yet rejoicing (2 Cor 6:10). I have lost my freedom, but I have found rest in His perfect will. My old life has died, and Christ Himself has become my life (Col 3:4). In the last five years, what I have gained eternally outweighs what I lost in this world, because I gained Christ.

I used to listen to the song, "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts (Don’t judge me). In my mind the destination of that song was always a girl. That I would find the one, no matter what I went through and how broken I was. But a few years ago, I downloaded the same song, but this time by a Christian group named "Selah." I still remember the first time I listened to that song in prison. A realization became crystal clear to me, and I teared up. I realized that I was wrong this whole time. The destination of the song was never a girl or anything this world could offer. The destination was Jesus. In that instant I went looking for that old hole in my heart that has caused me so much pain and hurt, but I couldn’t find it anymore. Instead I found an overflow of grace, forgiveness and the love of my Lord. My emptiness was filled with Jesus, and I realized that I was no longer lost or blind. With my heart filled with sorrow and gratitude, I asked for forgiveness and gave thanks to Him. This whole time He waited patiently for me while I impatiently made a chaos out of my life. 

“But you just smile and take my hand. You’ve been there, you understand.” – Rascal Flatts
Isaiah 42:3 says, “A bruised reed He will not break and a smoldering wick he will not sniff out.” This is one of the promises that I have seen being fulfilled in my own life. I was a bruised reed, but Jesus healed me. I sought the world and found emptiness. 5 years ago, the Lover of My Soul sought me when I did not think I was worth searching for, and found me. Now my life is hidden with His (Col 3:3). 

In my finiteness I made a fool out of myself, but in His infinite love He is transforming this fool into His disciple. God is Able (Hebrews 7:25)

Misplaced Isaacs

While in prison, I have committed myself to taking care of my health. I pledged to work out regularly and eat healthy. I have been doing good on my promise. I have been doing so good that I even worked out on Christmas Day. I was probably doing a little too good, and God had some different plans.

A few days ago, I woke up with a little bit of fever and fatigue. I did not think much of it. The next day I woke up with one giant pimple on my face and a few bumps on my body. I still did not think much of it and kept doing what I normally do. The next day I woke up with more giant pimples and bumps all over my body begging to be scratched. I was down with chickenpox! I could not work out anymore and my hunger was gone. I went into a mild depression. Two of the things that I prioritized were out of my reach, and I felt like all the progress I made was gone.  In a way, I felt useless. Then God met me in Genesis chapter 21 and 22. 

In chapter 21, Abraham and Sarah just had Isaac, and needless to say, they were very happy. They had been waiting for Isaac for a long time now. He was the fulfillment of God’s promise to them. Then it says that when Isaac was weaned, Abraham held a great feast. But during that feast, Sarah saw Ishmael (Isaac’s stepbrother) mocking Isaac. So she asked Abraham to kick Ishmael and his mother Hager out. And Abraham did so. Did Sarah blow this whole thing out of proportion? Ishmael was probably just giving Isaac some little-brother treatment. Did Sarah elevate Isaac to a place where he did not belong?

In chapter 22, God asks Abraham to take his promised son whom he loves to be sacrificed as a burnt offering. So Abraham took Isaac for the journey. While they were on their way, Isaac asked Abraham where the lamb for the offering was. Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb.” After they reached the mountain, Abraham bound Isaac on the altar, and he was about to slay his own son when the Lord stopped him.  Instead, God provided a ram, caught in a nearby thicket by its horns, for the sacrifice. Why did God do all this? Did he want to test Abraham’s faith? Probably. Was it a picture of God’s own Son and His sacrifice? Yes. But what God taught me this time was this: maybe this happened so that Abraham would not put his Isaac in the place of his God. We have all had our Isaacs, something we have longed for, prayed for, waited for. We cherish our Isaacs that God has granted us, but unfortunately, very often we also misplace our Isaacs. We try to find identities in them. We try to find fulfillment in them. We try to find our value in them. We try to find our god in them. We put our Isaacs in the place of our God. Maybe God was showing Abraham that obeying Him was more important than the life of his beloved son. Maybe God was showing Abraham that Isaac is the gift, but He is the Giver. 

I have misplaced my Isaacs more often than I can remember. I am ashamed to confess that I have given higher priority to this world than to my obedience to God. I have tried to find my joy in the things of this world. It is funny because the very things that I thought would bring me joy only left me feeling more and more miserable. I have tried to find fulfillment in the blessings rather than the Provider. I have loved the gift more than the Giver. I have dug for myself broken cisterns that could hold no water, and in the process, I have forsaken the Living Water (Jeremiah 2:13).

But by the grace of God, I was bought with a price and redeemed. He gave me this righteousness and took my cross. He took my broken cistern and gave me an everlasting well. The life I now live is not my own anymore. The life I now live belongs to the Lamb who died for it. 

 

Sometimes we may have to walk up the mountain in Moria, with our Isaac as an offering, to meet the Lamb.

Lonely Places

    I have a Hispanic friend in Christ here who is 64 years old and is in love with playing soccer. Though he is a little slow, he still outweighs us in Skills every time we go outside to play. He is also a diabetic. A few weeks ago, he was not feeling great. Normally he stays in good shape, but that day he was sweating and acting differently. He went and told the officers how he was feeling, just to hear them say to put in a medical request. Ten minutes later he had a stroke. He was taken to the infirmary. Thankfully his life was spared but something changed. When he walked in the barracks we all noticed the change, the left side of his face was now drooping. His speech was very unclear, and his left eye nearly shut. When I first saw him my heart hurt, and I was angry. I went to God, and asked him to heal that man. My mind was filled with questions, and my heart filled with desperate cries. A couple of days later God reminded me of a story.

    In Mark 1: 40–45, Jesus healed a man with leprosy. At that time, the lepers stayed in lonely places, castrated from society. They were labeled unclean and were not allowed in any sort of gatherings. Babies cannot live without touch, yet lepers were forced to. People thought lepers were cursed by God, but in the story the leper comes to Jesus, breaking all the social codes and asking Jesus to heal him. Jesus was compassionate.  He reached out his hand and touched the man and made him clean.

    I read the story in this prison cell, and I see myself as this leper who used to roam around the lonely places. I committed a crime and now I am castrated from society. I have been living without the touch of my loved ones. Some people consider us prisoners cursed by God. Sometimes even we consider ourselves cursed. But Jesus reached out his hand and touch the man. Why? I know that Jesus can heal without touching. He can heal by words and even just by a thought. So why did he touch the man? Because this leper was starving for love just like my brothers and me. Jesus did not touch the leper because his body needed it, but because his soul needed it. So often I have longed for physical freedom and healing but ignored the touch of Jesus. Often, I wanted God to move in my time so that when he didn’t, I counted his silence as his absence. So often I have been wrong. I prayed for my friend’s healing, but it has not happened yet.  Instead, a different kind of healing took place. He has been reading his Bible more. He has been praying more. His talk and smile are different now because he talks about Jesus more. 

    Being in captivity I have experienced similar things to leprosy. Yet when I asked for physical freedom and healing, God gave me much more. The day I got arrested, I promised God that I would follow Him wholeheartedly if He would set me free. He saw through me and knew that I was lying. If He would have physically saved me that day, then I would have been eternally lost. Since He kept me lost in the jail, I found Jesus and gained eternity. In this Lonely Place, Jesus reached out and touched me. Because of Him, I do not roam around lonely places anymore. Now I tell people how Jesus touched me and swapped places with me by taking my Lonely Places and lavished me with His freedom. 

    In verse 37, Peter says something profound that resonates with any and every person that walked this earth, “everyone is looking for you.” The life I used to live was filled with immorality, hypocrisy and deceit. I was trying to fill the emptiness that only Jesus can fill. In my inmost being I was looking for Jesus all along. But now, “I found the one my soul loves” (Songs of Solomon 3:4).

 

    “Without You, Jesus, my soul flies like a bird without a nest.”  - My Hispanic soccer-loving friend.