Remember Him

 

A few weeks ago, one of my friends went in front of the parole board. It was his third parole hearing this time around. He had already done three years’ worth of denials. He was very confident that they will let him go this time because he has not been in any trouble in the last three years. We were all cheering for him on the day right before the results came. Another two years’ worth of denial. I just stood beside him not saying much. But then I asked if he was doing okay. He said, ‘No, it feels like a death in the family. No matter how much you try you couldn’t save them.’

 

The same evening, I came to my cell with a heavy heart and a muddled mind. I opened my Bible to what I was supposed to read that night. It was Mark 15. The crucifixion of Jesus. In this chapter the decision has been made to crucify Jesus after He has been flogged. Then they made Him carry His own Cross to the place called Golgotha. And they crucified Him. But what caught my eye was that before they crucified Him they offered Him wine mixed with myrrh but He did not take it. He did not take the drink that would help him to dull the senses and could make it easy to endure the cross. He was offered a little less of the cross but He did not take it. Instead he drank the full cup of wrath and experienced all of the cross. 

 

‘They offered Him wine mixed with myrrh and he received it not.’

Mark 15:23

I found myself going back two thousand years to this place called Golgotha. My pain and the tears in my eyes blurred my vision so I could not see Jesus clearly. My vision cleared when the tears rolled away and I saw Jesus on the cross. Still, I thought to myself, He could not really understand all that I have been through. Then suddenly I see this cup underneath His cross. It is full of wine and myrrh and it sits rejected. And I keep staring at that rejected cup. It is like the answer to all my problems. I lift up my face toward Him and ask, ‘Why did you not take it?’ He answers, ’So that you will know that I went through everything you went through and so much more until it was finished.’ Then I asked, ‘what about the time when I was drenched in my own sin?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. ‘What about the time I felt lonely and forsaken?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. ‘What about the day I entered the razor wired walls?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. I ask, ‘What if I never come out of prison?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected.

‘They offered Him wine mixed with myrrh and he received it not.’

Mark 15:23.

I can often go throughout my day forgetting what Jesus did for me on the cross. That is why in Luke 22:19, The Lord commands us to remember Him because He knows that we are forgetful people. Though the bones of my Savior can never be found, I have found His heart. In this passing life, I have come to know His eternal love for me. In this momentary darkness of suffering, sorrow and pain, His cross over-shadows all and the cup still sits rejected. And now I sit in this prison cell drinking from the cup of his grace. Overflowing is the cup of His Grace.

 

“...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. Hebrews 12:1-3

JESUS

I sit in my cell today feeling disheartened. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Like David, I am questioning my soul; ‘Why are you so discouraged?’ I ask myself, is it my past? Is it my future? Is it my present? I do not understand why I feel this way. I feel broken and lonely. What shall I do? Where shall I go? 

 

I met a guy here who was on fire for God the last time he was in prison. He said he read the Bible and did prayer circles all the time. But when he got out, the first thing he did was to throw away his Bible in the trash can. Even as the Bible hit the bottom, he said to himself, ‘I probably will be back.’  Sure enough, he did make it back!

 

In my past, when I tried to trek on the roads that I shouldn’t have been on, I learned that those roads led to nothingness. When I tried to run away from God, I was running away to emptiness. In John 6, Jesus feeds the five thousand and walks on the water. In the same chapter, He also gives his disciples a tough teaching about the cost of following Him. Because it was a hard to follow through the hard teaching, many deserted Him. Only the twelve remained. “‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ Jesus asked.  Peter answered, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.’”

 

In this exchange, I grasp the desperation that Peter had. In a way he was saying, ‘I have already tried all that the world has to offer. And I have learned that It all leads to Oblivion.’ In the same way, right now my soul is downcast and my past seems a little too close and my future seems faint. And in the midst of that, Jesus asks me ‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ In my despondency and my brokenness, all I can say is, ‘Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life.’

 

Through all this I have learnt that without Jesus, no matter where I am at, I am living to die. But with Jesus I am dying to live. In the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, no one satisfies my soul like my redeemer and my savior JESUS CHRIST does.

‘We have come to believe and to know that YOU are the HOLY ONE OF GOD.’

John 6:69

White as Snow

It's Valentine’s Day and nobody here cares much about it. We are all acting tough and hardcore, but hurting from inside since we do not have our loved ones close by. Then suddenly someone yells excitedly, ‘It’s snowing! The snowflakes are huge!’ We all run to our cells and try to look at the snow through the little window that we are provided. It looks different than what it typically looks like. It looks New!

 

I’ve been incarcerated for couple of years now. Throughout this time, the view outside has always stayed unchanged – dull green and brown with razor wires (there might be other colors but I am color blind). When it rains it’s disheartening because I love rain, but I am unable to touch even a drop. Every now and then, I will see a few birds flying around and sometimes I envy them for the freedom they have.  But today was entirely different. It’s snowing, and the snow is sticking to the ground. The ground that used to be dull green, brown and dry is now white and untarnished. The cells that were dark and dingy are now beaming with a glow because of the light that is reflecting the snow and entering the cells through the small window. After looking at the scenery for an hour, I barely remember what it used to look like before. The snow has even made the razor wires look decent. I wonder if that is how Jesus looks at us.

 

Before I was incarcerated, I was living in a prison of my own making. It was made up of hypocrisy, hurts, lies, hate, immorality, double mindedness, etc.  Even though I appeared to be free, every bone in my body was chained. I had no purpose and all I wanted to do was hide.  My life looked like a dull green-brown, dry prison ground. But then during my hardest time, SOMEONE put me back together.

 

But by means of their suffering, he rescues those who suffer.
    For he gets their attention through adversity.

Job 36:15

 

God uses our own suffering to rescue us and gets our attention toward Him. When I arrived at the penitentiary, God used that physical distress to liberate me from my spiritual misery. And for sure, I can say that being spiritually free while physically captive is much better than being spiritually enslaved while physically free. My Lord and my redeemer Jesus, met me at my lowest point and unshackled me through His blood. He renewed my heart and gave me a purpose. He gave me a Freedom that can never be taken. He took my past and made it white as snow. So now when He looks at me, My Father sees me as blameless, untarnished because of the work of my Savior on the Cross.  He gave me a future that leads to Him. Jesus gave me Himself.  Now when I look at my scars, it no longer reminds me of my pain and sufferings but instead it reminds me of the love and sacrifice of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

He made me White as Snow.

 

“Though your sins are like scarlet,
    I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson,
    I will make them as white as wool.”

Isaiah 1:18

 

One Christmas Morning

It is not often that I cry but today was different. It was 12 am of Christmas day when we all came out of our cells to wish each other a Merry Christmas. Some people were asleep in their cells so my Mexican friend and I decided to go in their cells and woke them up with the song, 'Feliz Navidad'. After that the Hispanic group and I planned on staying up all night drinking coffee. While we were doing that in the cell, some guys joined us in the cell and said thay wanted to sing Christmas songs. We gave some of them coffee too and brought some hymnals and started singing Christmas songs.

 

I have been in worship bands and also been a worship leader in the free world where most of the songs we sang were in key and it sounded fairly good. This was not anything like that. This was a group of convicts packed in a small cell who were geeked up on coffee, who couldn't hit a single note right. We were all laughing, giggling and singing loudly the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. In That moment, God gently took my attention and showed me something. He showed me Heaven. He showed me a group of misfits, outcasts and sinners dressed all in white intent on giving God their best through their singing in a cold cell, sitting on a toiler and a sink. He showed me a group of people though we couldn’t hit a single note right, we all sang in one accord. He showed me the meaning of 'sorrowful yet Rejoicing.' In that moment, God showed me heaven. 

 

Then suddenly, God drew my attention to a question that shook my heart. "Who is pleading for them?"

 

In that cell, if one would’ve summed up the total amount of time due to the prison, it would’ve been over 100 years. You see, so many who are in prison are forgotten. They are forgotten by the world and even their own families. I know that because I get mail from my family and friends and they don’t. When I call home, they don’t. When I get ready for a video visit, they do not. 

"Who is pleading for them?"

 

There are many men here who have more than two decades left to do in prison. When I see them, I see the hurt in their eyes. When they are near me, I can feel the heaviness of their hearts. When they walk, I see them taking every step feeling defeated. We want to be known, not as criminals but just as people who have made some mistakes. We want to be called by our first names, not by a number. We long to be loved again. My friends here and I have made a mistake and now are paying for it. But these cells can get really cold and lonely. Every brick surrounds us with the guilt of our past sins and beats you bloody with it. Sometimes the end of the tunnel seems so far away. 

Who is pleading for us?

 

If you are reading this letter, I am not asking you to donate money to a prison association or any other thing, but I am asking you to go to the Throne-room of God that is covered in the blood of Jesus and plead with God on behalf of the prisoners as one pleads for a friend (Job 16:21). Plead not only for the physical freedom but also for the spirit of the Lord to stir the hearts of the people in the prisons for 'where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.' (2 Cor 3:17).

 

God showed me Heaven:

“The wolf will live with the lamb,

The leopard will lie down with the goat,

The calf and the Lion and the Yearling together;

And a Little Child will lead them.”

Isaiah 11:6