‘And Lo, I am with you always, ever unto the end of the world.’ Matthew 28:20
When I was a kid I used to think of God as a ruler who just commanded angels and humans to do stuff. I always pictured Him as someone sitting on the throne looking into the earth from afar. In my mind He was strong and rugged and all-powerful but never with me.
Lately I have been reading apostle Paul’s letters. Paul’s writing tends to make you feel passionate, guilty, sympathetic, loved, righteous, unrighteous etc. One thing I have noticed recently was in the book of Colossians, in chapter 2:12-15, it talks about how Jesus paid our legal debt by nailing it to the cross. It says God raised us and made us alive. But during the whole process of us being raised and made alive, Jesus was not in a faraway place looking over our situation. He himself was with us. ‘Having been buried with Him’, ‘raised with Him’, ‘alive with Christ’. Nothing was done without Him and everything was done with him. He sits with us when we are being refined and not in a faraway place.
“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver;” Malachi 3:3
Before my incarceration, I lived my life as though God was not watching me. Though it made me feel like I had the freedom to do anything, it also made me feel lonely. On one hand, I did not want God to see what I was doing because it was sinful and shameful, but on the other side all I wanted to know was if God sees me.
When I first got arrested, I thought life was all done and over with. I did not think my family would want to talk to me. I did not think anyone would want to be associated with me, more than anything, I did not think God would want me. I was a screw up even before I got arrested so I thought that God would surely not want me after this. But after 7 days in the jail, I heard God whispering two simple words through His Word: “Follow me”.
I have been incarcerated for more than 2 and half years here now and through the grace of God, I have been walking with Christ. During this time, God has shown me that he fully knows me and has given me a passion to fully know Him. I am hopeful that ‘what has happened to me will turn out for my own deliverance.” Behind all the broken pieces of my life there is a hidden blessing. Now when I look back at my life, I could see that there was Jesus.
In all my failures, since I was a kid, there was Jesus. In all the sunrise and sunsets, there was Jesus. In the moment when I was chained for the first time, there was Jesus. In all my court appearances, where my heart was filled with fear and shame, there was Jesus. In every tear that I shed by myself, there was Jesus. In all the forgiveness and the encouragement from friends, there was Jesus. In all the phone calls with my father, mother and sister, there was Jesus. In all the strength of my brother and in all the beauty of my nieces, there was Jesus. In the loss of my nephew, there was Jesus. In the kiss of my sister and in every moment when a piece of glass kept us apart, there was Jesus. Throughout my whole life, in the good and the bad, there was Jesus.
“The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20
In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing and the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I've been and where I'm going
Even when I didn't know it or couldn't see it
There was Jesus
- Song by Dolly Parton and Zach Williams
May God help me to always live for Jesus who gave me my song in the night.
