Lonely Places

    I have a Hispanic friend in Christ here who is 64 years old and is in love with playing soccer. Though he is a little slow, he still outweighs us in Skills every time we go outside to play. He is also a diabetic. A few weeks ago, he was not feeling great. Normally he stays in good shape, but that day he was sweating and acting differently. He went and told the officers how he was feeling, just to hear them say to put in a medical request. Ten minutes later he had a stroke. He was taken to the infirmary. Thankfully his life was spared but something changed. When he walked in the barracks we all noticed the change, the left side of his face was now drooping. His speech was very unclear, and his left eye nearly shut. When I first saw him my heart hurt, and I was angry. I went to God, and asked him to heal that man. My mind was filled with questions, and my heart filled with desperate cries. A couple of days later God reminded me of a story.

    In Mark 1: 40–45, Jesus healed a man with leprosy. At that time, the lepers stayed in lonely places, castrated from society. They were labeled unclean and were not allowed in any sort of gatherings. Babies cannot live without touch, yet lepers were forced to. People thought lepers were cursed by God, but in the story the leper comes to Jesus, breaking all the social codes and asking Jesus to heal him. Jesus was compassionate.  He reached out his hand and touched the man and made him clean.

    I read the story in this prison cell, and I see myself as this leper who used to roam around the lonely places. I committed a crime and now I am castrated from society. I have been living without the touch of my loved ones. Some people consider us prisoners cursed by God. Sometimes even we consider ourselves cursed. But Jesus reached out his hand and touch the man. Why? I know that Jesus can heal without touching. He can heal by words and even just by a thought. So why did he touch the man? Because this leper was starving for love just like my brothers and me. Jesus did not touch the leper because his body needed it, but because his soul needed it. So often I have longed for physical freedom and healing but ignored the touch of Jesus. Often, I wanted God to move in my time so that when he didn’t, I counted his silence as his absence. So often I have been wrong. I prayed for my friend’s healing, but it has not happened yet.  Instead, a different kind of healing took place. He has been reading his Bible more. He has been praying more. His talk and smile are different now because he talks about Jesus more. 

    Being in captivity I have experienced similar things to leprosy. Yet when I asked for physical freedom and healing, God gave me much more. The day I got arrested, I promised God that I would follow Him wholeheartedly if He would set me free. He saw through me and knew that I was lying. If He would have physically saved me that day, then I would have been eternally lost. Since He kept me lost in the jail, I found Jesus and gained eternity. In this Lonely Place, Jesus reached out and touched me. Because of Him, I do not roam around lonely places anymore. Now I tell people how Jesus touched me and swapped places with me by taking my Lonely Places and lavished me with His freedom. 

    In verse 37, Peter says something profound that resonates with any and every person that walked this earth, “everyone is looking for you.” The life I used to live was filled with immorality, hypocrisy and deceit. I was trying to fill the emptiness that only Jesus can fill. In my inmost being I was looking for Jesus all along. But now, “I found the one my soul loves” (Songs of Solomon 3:4).

 

    “Without You, Jesus, my soul flies like a bird without a nest.”  - My Hispanic soccer-loving friend.

Broken Bridges

I had just finished my worship practice and was about to head to my cell. Then suddenly one of the guys asked me to sit with him. He is a 75-year-old man and has been in prison for 31 years. He is one of the biggest Christian leaders in this prison system and also a close friend of mine. When I sat down with him I sensed something different in his demeanor. Though he tried, he couldn’t say anything for a long time. He looked like a young man who was nervous, excited and anxious about something. He seemed scared but at the same time there was Joy in his tears. Finally, he said, ‘My sister sent me the address of my oldest son whom I haven’t seen or spoken to in 30 years.’

 

When he first came to prison, his son used to visit him often. But his son’s wife belonged to a prominent family and was involved in politics. Therefore, his son decided to spare the family of embarrassment and cut all ties with his father. That was the last time that the father heard from his son, 30 years ago.  In those 30 years, my friend started following Jesus faithfully. He got married and just celebrated his 19^th wedding anniversary with his wife on a video call. In these 30 years, he once died of a heart attack for six minutes, but God brought him back to life. A lot has happened in these 30 years.

 

We sat with each other for a long time. Though we consider ourselves pretty tough, and try to hide our emotions, we shed few tears together. He was telling me all the things his son used to like. He reminisced with me the childhood memories of his son. We mourned the loss of 30 years. Then he asked me what he should write to his son. I (who has barely completed the ‘uncle course’) said, ‘I do not have a clue.’ He replied, ‘Hmmm… That is good. I should start with that.’ And then He whispered, ‘I used to be a cold-hearted man. I never even cried at my dad’s funeral. But God has totally changed me and my heart. Now, just looking at the address brings tears of joy and reminds me of His grace and redemption.’ We prayed for God to give him the words to write, and also for the son, the grace to receive it in joy and thanksgiving.

 

One of the most important things I have learned after coming to prison is that relationships are important, and they ought to be honored, protected and treasured. My relationship with Jesus is the most important thing in my life. After that, it’s my family and the friends who chose to stick by me during this time. My relationship with my Lord is infinitely better in prison than it was when I was physically free, and because of that my relationship with my family is way closer now than before. But one thing I often pray for is for the broken relationships in my life to be healed one day. I learned the hard way that life is too short to tear relationships down.

 

But what hurts me more is that the people who are ‘free’ get upset with one another, give each other the silent treatment, and live in a prison of their own. In Matthew 5:23-24 Jesus says, “So if you are presenting a sacrifice at the altar in the Temple and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, leave your sacrifice there at the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.”

 

Many of us do not have a choice for the restrictions that we are put in. Even if we want to reconcile, we are legally not allowed to do so. We want to mend the broken relationships, but we are helpless. Yet anyone who is reading this in the free world who has the option to turn around, please do. I do not want you to mourn over the years like my friend has for 30 years. Do not let the locust eat away anymore than it already has. We are helpless and cannot do anything about our relationships right now, but you can. 

 

Joel 2:25-26

The Lord says, “I will give you back what you lost
to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts,
the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.
It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.

Once again you will have all the food you want,
and you will praise the Lord your God,
who does these miracles for you.
Never again will my people be disgraced.

Remember Him

 

A few weeks ago, one of my friends went in front of the parole board. It was his third parole hearing this time around. He had already done three years’ worth of denials. He was very confident that they will let him go this time because he has not been in any trouble in the last three years. We were all cheering for him on the day right before the results came. Another two years’ worth of denial. I just stood beside him not saying much. But then I asked if he was doing okay. He said, ‘No, it feels like a death in the family. No matter how much you try you couldn’t save them.’

 

The same evening, I came to my cell with a heavy heart and a muddled mind. I opened my Bible to what I was supposed to read that night. It was Mark 15. The crucifixion of Jesus. In this chapter the decision has been made to crucify Jesus after He has been flogged. Then they made Him carry His own Cross to the place called Golgotha. And they crucified Him. But what caught my eye was that before they crucified Him they offered Him wine mixed with myrrh but He did not take it. He did not take the drink that would help him to dull the senses and could make it easy to endure the cross. He was offered a little less of the cross but He did not take it. Instead he drank the full cup of wrath and experienced all of the cross. 

 

‘They offered Him wine mixed with myrrh and he received it not.’

Mark 15:23

I found myself going back two thousand years to this place called Golgotha. My pain and the tears in my eyes blurred my vision so I could not see Jesus clearly. My vision cleared when the tears rolled away and I saw Jesus on the cross. Still, I thought to myself, He could not really understand all that I have been through. Then suddenly I see this cup underneath His cross. It is full of wine and myrrh and it sits rejected. And I keep staring at that rejected cup. It is like the answer to all my problems. I lift up my face toward Him and ask, ‘Why did you not take it?’ He answers, ’So that you will know that I went through everything you went through and so much more until it was finished.’ Then I asked, ‘what about the time when I was drenched in my own sin?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. ‘What about the time I felt lonely and forsaken?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. ‘What about the day I entered the razor wired walls?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected. I ask, ‘What if I never come out of prison?’ My Jesus still lifted and nailed to the cross and the cup still rejected.

‘They offered Him wine mixed with myrrh and he received it not.’

Mark 15:23.

I can often go throughout my day forgetting what Jesus did for me on the cross. That is why in Luke 22:19, The Lord commands us to remember Him because He knows that we are forgetful people. Though the bones of my Savior can never be found, I have found His heart. In this passing life, I have come to know His eternal love for me. In this momentary darkness of suffering, sorrow and pain, His cross over-shadows all and the cup still sits rejected. And now I sit in this prison cell drinking from the cup of his grace. Overflowing is the cup of His Grace.

 

“...let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. Hebrews 12:1-3

Chasing Pools

A week ago, I was sitting in my chair enjoying some music and not wanting any human interaction. Then suddenly, through my peripheral vision, I saw a friend of mine coming towards me. (In my defense, when you live in a barracks with 50 men, sometimes it’s hard to get some space to gather your thoughts.) I tried to act like I didn’t see him even though he pulled his chair really close to me. I guess he didn’t see my sign that read, “No human interactions please.” Then after him staring at me for a while, I gave up and asked him the reason for existing in my space. He had a question for me, a serious one. 

He asked, “What if the only reason I am a Christian in here is because I do not have access to the temptations of the free world? What if I am a Christian in here just to get by?”

A few months ago, I was struggling with the same question. Before being locked up, I was a hypocrite. And I was such a good hypocrite that even I did not know that I was one. I had successfully deceived myself (1 Cor 3:18). I was asking God to show me whether my heart was sincere towards Him or if I was still being deceived by myself. That is when God reminded me of a question He asked a man like me 2000 years ago, “Do you want to get well?”

 

In John 5, Jesus was by a pool near the Sheep Gate in Jerusalem. There were a lot of disabled people by that pool. They believed that if they would get to that pool at a specific time, they would be healed of their disease or disability. Jesus saw a man there who had been an invalid for 38 years, and he simply asked him, “Do you want to get well?” The man replied that he had no one to put him in the pool, and the days when he tried to get in, others would pass him and get in the pool before him. Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” And just like that the man was healed.

I was just like the disabled person, a spiritually crippled man sitting in his own filth for so long. Jesus saw me lying there, learned about my condition, and then asked me, “Do you want to get well?” And when he asked, I pointed towards a muddy pool and showed Him my helplessness. He asked, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me get a better future.” He asked, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me out to get a lighter sentence.” He asked again, “Do you want to get well?” I answered, “If you can just help me get out of prison.” Is it possible that my pool, my helplessness, captivity and freedom, all these things have nothing to do with me being well? There is a song we sing here called “Son of David” by Ghostship. It is probably our favorite song because we get to shout when we sing the chorus. There is a line in that song that says, “the blind won’t gain their sight by opening their eyes.” All my life, I thought that I could see the pool I needed right before me, but it took God to show me real healing.  

It never ceases to amaze me how good God has been throughout my entire life. How He has carried me. How He meets me in a prison cell. How He is running toward me while I am running toward Him. “The life I now live in the body, I live by Faith in the son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

I have often tried to show God the solutions to my problems. I have often tried to chase various pools to satisfy the deepest desires of my heart. And every time it has left me hurt and dry. But God has shown me this: that I will find my wellness in the precious words of Jesus Christ. He has told me, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”  Now, I will no longer be found sitting around a pool near the Sheep Gate.

 

“WHEN I WAS FREE, I WAS CHAINED,

BUT WHEN I BECAME CHAINED,

JESUS SET ME FREE!”

 

JESUS

I sit in my cell today feeling disheartened. I don’t even know why I feel this way. Like David, I am questioning my soul; ‘Why are you so discouraged?’ I ask myself, is it my past? Is it my future? Is it my present? I do not understand why I feel this way. I feel broken and lonely. What shall I do? Where shall I go? 

 

I met a guy here who was on fire for God the last time he was in prison. He said he read the Bible and did prayer circles all the time. But when he got out, the first thing he did was to throw away his Bible in the trash can. Even as the Bible hit the bottom, he said to himself, ‘I probably will be back.’  Sure enough, he did make it back!

 

In my past, when I tried to trek on the roads that I shouldn’t have been on, I learned that those roads led to nothingness. When I tried to run away from God, I was running away to emptiness. In John 6, Jesus feeds the five thousand and walks on the water. In the same chapter, He also gives his disciples a tough teaching about the cost of following Him. Because it was a hard to follow through the hard teaching, many deserted Him. Only the twelve remained. “‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ Jesus asked.  Peter answered, ‘Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.’”

 

In this exchange, I grasp the desperation that Peter had. In a way he was saying, ‘I have already tried all that the world has to offer. And I have learned that It all leads to Oblivion.’ In the same way, right now my soul is downcast and my past seems a little too close and my future seems faint. And in the midst of that, Jesus asks me ‘You do not want to leave too, do you?’ In my despondency and my brokenness, all I can say is, ‘Lord, to whom shall I go? You have the words of eternal life.’

 

Through all this I have learnt that without Jesus, no matter where I am at, I am living to die. But with Jesus I am dying to live. In the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, no one satisfies my soul like my redeemer and my savior JESUS CHRIST does.

‘We have come to believe and to know that YOU are the HOLY ONE OF GOD.’

John 6:69

With Him

 

‘And Lo, I am with you always, ever unto the end of the world.’ Matthew 28:20

 

When I was a kid I used to think of God as a ruler who just commanded angels and humans to do stuff. I always pictured Him as someone sitting on the throne looking into the earth from afar. In my mind He was strong and rugged and all-powerful but never with me. 

 

Lately I have been reading apostle Paul’s letters. Paul’s writing tends to make you feel passionate, guilty, sympathetic, loved, righteous, unrighteous etc. One thing I have noticed recently was in the book of Colossians, in chapter 2:12-15, it talks about how Jesus paid our legal debt by nailing it to the cross. It says God raised us and made us alive. But during the whole process of us being raised and made alive, Jesus was not in a faraway place looking over our situation. He himself was with us. ‘Having been buried with Him’, ‘raised with Him’, ‘alive with Christ’. Nothing was done without Him and everything was done with him. He sits with us when we are being refined and not in a faraway place.

 

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver;” Malachi 3:3

 

Before my incarceration, I lived my life as though God was not watching me. Though it made me feel like I had the freedom to do anything, it also made me feel lonely. On one hand, I did not want God to see what I was doing because it was sinful and shameful, but on the other side all I wanted to know was if God sees me.

 

When I first got arrested, I thought life was all done and over with. I did not think my family would want to talk to me. I did not think anyone would want to be associated with me, more than anything, I did not think God would want me. I was a screw up even before I got arrested so I thought that God would surely not want me after this. But after 7 days in the jail, I heard God whispering two simple words through His Word: “Follow me”.

 

I have been incarcerated for more than 2 and half years here now and through the grace of God, I have been walking with Christ. During this time, God has shown me that he fully knows me and has given me a passion to fully know Him. I am hopeful that ‘what has happened to me will turn out for my own deliverance.” Behind all the broken pieces of my life there is a hidden blessing. Now when I look back at my life, I could see that there was Jesus.

 

In all my failures, since I was a kid, there was Jesus. In all the sunrise and sunsets, there was Jesus. In the moment when I was chained for the first time, there was Jesus. In all my court appearances, where my heart was filled with fear and shame, there was Jesus. In every tear that I shed by myself, there was Jesus. In all the forgiveness and the encouragement from friends, there was Jesus. In all the phone calls with my father, mother and sister, there was Jesus. In all the strength of my brother and in all the beauty of my nieces, there was Jesus. In the loss of my nephew, there was Jesus. In the kiss of my sister and in every moment when a piece of glass kept us apart, there was Jesus. Throughout my whole life, in the good and the bad, there was Jesus.

 

“The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

 

In the waiting, in the searching
In the healing and the hurting
Like a blessing buried in the broken pieces
Every minute, every moment
Where I've been and where I'm going
Even when I didn't know it or couldn't see it
There was Jesus

-       Song by Dolly Parton and Zach Williams

 

May God help me to always live for Jesus who gave me my song in the night.

 

Darkest Days, Greatest Light

 

Today is April 4^th and it is Easter Sunday.  This past Friday was Good Friday.  But in prison every day feels the same. We are stuck in one place and have the same unchanged view. We wear the same colorless clothes and are always surrounded by the unending concrete walls. It feels like we are stuck in a perpetual Black Saturday.

 

When I was first arrested and went to jail, a few hours in the jail was enough for me to say, “Yup, I am not coming to this place again.” But shockingly, since my incarceration, I have seen countless men who keep coming back to jail after getting out.  I met this one guy who came back in jail and got out six times in only 11 months.  Let me tell you, they don’t come back because they love this place.  But still they keep coming back to a place they hate. It all just sounds like a hopeless Black Saturday.

 

I have heard the saying “Time heals” countless times, but I would gently like to disagree with that. If the saying was true then the percentage of recidivism would be low. There are people who have spent decades in prison but come back to this place after a month of freedom. I have met men who are in their fifties who have spent more time in prison than in the free world, and are still coming back to prison for the 8^th time.  Seems like time itself is incomplete in bringing healing.

 

For what I have experienced, time itself doesn’t eternally heal anybody. It can bring fleeting contentment but not long-term. The only way time can heal is if it is spent with Someone who is Himself the Healer. We cannot expect eternal restoration to come through time if it’s not spent with Jesus, both in prison and in the free world. 

If I was doing my time in prison without Jesus, then no matter how much of my life I spend here, I will still be lost. That’s where most of the prison population is right now. They have neither experience the death of Jesus on a Friday nor have the hope for a resurrected King on a Sunday. They are just stuck in a colorless and hopeless Saturday.

 

Instead, I know a Christian man here who says, ‘I am free, I am just waiting for them to release me.’ He has been in prison for 30 years. He became a Christian when an officer shared the Gospel with him and since then he has been spiritually free. I can tell you about how so many people have wasted their lives here, but I’d rather tell you about how Jesus uses our hopeless and defeated Saturdays to usher us into the Glorious and Victorious Sunday. 

 

Psalm 88 is one of the most dismal chapters in the Bible, and it is also one of my most cherished ones. In this chapter, the author is going through a challenging phase and is deserted. It’s a gloomy chapter with a despondent conclusion. But through the dark times, the author cries out to the Lord three times. The darkness does not drive us away from God, rather it makes us desperate for Him. 

 

“Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death.”

2 Coronthians 7:10

 

Jesus uses our Saturdays “to show that this all-surpassing power is from God.” Only Jesus can turn our arrest into a rescue mission.

 

I wrote this on the day of my sentencing: “Thank you for reminding me of how Great of a God You are. Even in the day of dread and shame, you walked with me. While I confessed and asked for forgiveness for my sins out loud in the court, you set a table for me. How amazing are you that even in the day of my suffering, You brought Yourself Glory. You brought a smile instead of shame. I once was blind but now I see. Where You go, I’ll go and where You stay, I’ll stay.”

 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners. 
To bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1,3