Half-A-Decade

I recently completed five years of being incarcerated. Five years ago, because of my sins, my comfort was taken away from me. My freedom was taken away from me. My life was taken away from me. Five years ago, my sins were unveiled and my hypocrisy was revealed. Five years ago, I decided that I was done running away from Him and decided to run to Him. If someone would have told me that five years ago I would be in prison for the next 5 years, I would have fainted. When I had woken back up, I would have said, "nothing good can happen in those 5 years." Little did I know that my God had different plans. When He said in Genesis 50:20, “As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present outcome”, He really meant it.

The last five years haven’t been exactly the most luxurious or the most comfortable years. It hasn’t been a shower of good news. It hasn’t been a season of all happiness and all smiles. But it has been a reminder of faithfulness. Not my faithfulness, because I have fallen short many times. It has been a reminder of His faithfulness. His faithfulness has been a strong tower for me (Prov 18:10). His faithfulness has stood strong no matter how devastating the storm. The last years have not been what I expected as they have been the most fulfilling years of my life. I have been stripped off of my pride but been given inexpressible peace. My worldly comforts have been taken away so that I can receive comfort from God to comfort others (2 Cor 1:4). I have been sorrowful, yet rejoicing (2 Cor 6:10). I have lost my freedom, but I have found rest in His perfect will. My old life has died, and Christ Himself has become my life (Col 3:4). In the last five years, what I have gained eternally outweighs what I lost in this world, because I gained Christ.

I used to listen to the song, "Bless the broken road" by Rascal Flatts (Don’t judge me). In my mind the destination of that song was always a girl. That I would find the one, no matter what I went through and how broken I was. But a few years ago, I downloaded the same song, but this time by a Christian group named "Selah." I still remember the first time I listened to that song in prison. A realization became crystal clear to me, and I teared up. I realized that I was wrong this whole time. The destination of the song was never a girl or anything this world could offer. The destination was Jesus. In that instant I went looking for that old hole in my heart that has caused me so much pain and hurt, but I couldn’t find it anymore. Instead I found an overflow of grace, forgiveness and the love of my Lord. My emptiness was filled with Jesus, and I realized that I was no longer lost or blind. With my heart filled with sorrow and gratitude, I asked for forgiveness and gave thanks to Him. This whole time He waited patiently for me while I impatiently made a chaos out of my life. 

“But you just smile and take my hand. You’ve been there, you understand.” – Rascal Flatts
Isaiah 42:3 says, “A bruised reed He will not break and a smoldering wick he will not sniff out.” This is one of the promises that I have seen being fulfilled in my own life. I was a bruised reed, but Jesus healed me. I sought the world and found emptiness. 5 years ago, the Lover of My Soul sought me when I did not think I was worth searching for, and found me. Now my life is hidden with His (Col 3:3). 

In my finiteness I made a fool out of myself, but in His infinite love He is transforming this fool into His disciple. God is Able (Hebrews 7:25)